CLARKSON THREATENS TO QUIT BEEB IN 'MANLINESS' ROW

Jeremy Clarkson has threatened to quit top rated motoring show 'Top Gear' if BBC bosses don't make it more 'manly'.
The jeans wearing, pint liking presenter and journalist, 54, told CHB:

"I'm a man's man. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe TV programmes about cars are a man's thing. I was all for the change of format for 'Top Gear', when we started doing it in a big garage and stopped doing reviews of poofy little cars only poor people could afford. I was all for having birds in the audience, provided they had big tits and tight tops and stood near the front so I could single them out for some of my light hearted blokey laddishness. I even came up with the idea that the Stig should always wear his helmet and play uncool CDs when he's doing the test drives. And that one of the other presenters should be a short arsed pretty boy who can't take his ale.
Recently, poofyness has definitely been creeping back in, though. I mean, when I started doing all my features where I smashed up caravans and attacked cheap cars with sledgehammers, the audience lapped it up and ratings went through the roof. When I suggested to the bosses we up the ante with things like seeing if we could buy a used Ferrari for less than £25000 and drive it in a straight line through 25000 infected cows during the foot and mouth outbreak, or attempting to drive a Bugatti Veyron non stop from the north pole to Casino Square in Monte Carlo with a picture of Kylie Minogue's arse stuck to the dashboard and Richard Hammond in the boot pissing into a Lucozade bottle they just looked at me like I'd ran into their living room on Christmas Day and vomitted...........all over their poodle.
I've told them if they want to turn the show into some kind of educational and informative Open University style carnival of poofiness, they can count me out. I just can't see myself doing the kind of...(cont. on page 64)

ON 'NATIONAL BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY', JEREMY KYLE'S CHAMELEON TURNS BURBERRY

further selections from CHB's back catalogue. Click to enlarge.

CCTV FOOTAGE OF CREATION OF UNIVERSE 'FAKE'

CUSTOMS & EXCISE REPORT RECORD SEIZURES OF JARS OF HUMAN EYES

EVERLASTING SANDALS NOT AS COMFY AS ADVERT CLAIMED, SAY ANGRY OAPs

NIKE, ADIDAS WORKERS SET TO STRIKE FOR LONGER PLAYTIME

city news:
LONDON HOUSE PRICES HIT ALL TIME HIGH

Property prices in the capital are continuing to rocket, as it was revealed that an estate agent is this week offering for sale a tennis shoe, which is hanging by it's lace from a tree in West Kensington, for an astonishing £750,000.
When CHB contacted the estate agency, Jarful, Human & Eyes, of Chelsea, a spokesman confirmed not only that the property was on the market, but also that several parties had expressed an interest in it. When we asked if a tennis shoe was practical for use as a domicile, the spokesman told us: "Obviously, this is not the largest property you will find, but if you ask any potential housebuyer I'm sure they'd tell you that they would be prepared to sacrifice a great deal of floorspace to purchase an address in Kensington." We asked if it was even possible for a person to fit inside the shoe and he said: "Not as such, no. The current owner, however has invested in a new, very stout lace. A new owner could quite easily wear the shoe, and hang from the tree quite happily for many years to come. Don't forget also that planning permission has already been granted to hang a second tennis shoe from the tree, so there is tremendous potential for developing the property into what would be an extremely attractive home in the future."
CHB asked if we might be allowed to view the property, and when we were shown around later by the agency's Phanella De Twatte, she was keen to point out what a prestigious area the tennis shoe hangs in. "Your neighbours would include many well known and influential people" she said, "and the elevation of the property is such that you are afforded excellent, unrestricted views of where the late pop singer Freddie Mercury used to put his bins out."

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POLICE CONFIRM: GRISLY FIND IS JAR FULL OF HUMAN EYES

*Facsimile copies of Cottage Hospital Bulletin make ideal gifts for neighbours you don't particularly get on with, or workmates who spit in your tea. Why not buy a few copies, and stuff them through their letterbox then set fire to them?

enjoy these selections from CHB's back pages. click on the pages to enlarge. (the pages will enlarge, not you.)

COTTAGE HOSPITAL BULLETIN GOLD

INQUEST INTO INQUEST OF DIANA INQUEST OPENS:

Al Fayed praises British public's patience, perseverence, thirst for justice, massive amounts of tax money.
Harrods owner tells press: "Them is motha fukkahs.With my fury I will learn them: They is no fock with me."

Film news

DE NIRO, DAY LEWIS BIOPICS
Following the announcement that Miramax Pictures plan to shoot biopics of legendary method actors Robert De Niro and Daniel Day Lewis, and that the two men themselves are to be cast in the respective leads, sources close to both actors have reported that they are already becoming each other.
Friends of Day Lewis have told of the Irish actor turning Italian-American within 20 minutes of accepting the role of De Niro, and that he was developing facial moles in less than an hour.
De Niro is reported to have arrived at the studios dressed as a leprechaun and carrying a barrel of stout, accompanied by Bono and Graham Norton.

latest news:

STUDENT PRANK BACKFIRES: JAR OF HUMAN EYES EMPTIED OVER TODDLER

RELENTLESS BERATING BY JEREMY KYLE FORCES JOBLESS TEEN TO PROMISE TO QUIT DRUGS, FIND JOB, STAND BY PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND.
Kyle addressed youth as 'sunshine' to convey disapproval

POLISH TOURIST BOARD ADMITS IT HAS 'NO IDEA' OF HOW TO HALT DOWNTURN IN AUSCHWITZ VISITOR NUMBERS

NATO withdrawal

COTTAGE HOSPITAL BULLETIN "DEMOCRATIC AT LAST"

50, 000 allied troops home in time for spiteful recriminations

The ministry of defence announced last night that all British forces, along with the remaining American, Canadian and Belgian troops overseeing the regime change in Cottage Hospital Bulletin are to be withdrawn immediately, ending the occupation of Cottage Hospital Bulletin which has been in force since 2002.
Free elections of a democratic government have been fixed for early August, with the widely supported 'New Dawn' party most likely to form a new government and unite the previously splintered factions within the political turmoil of Cottage Hospital Bulletin. NATO has pledged it's commitment to the withdrawal of occupying forces, but has insisted that the US Air Force shall continue to bomb Cottage Hospital Bulletin for a few hours each morning up to the deadline imposed by the UN on Monday, September 29, at which time it will begin bombing the UN for a little while.

HARRY ARSES IT RIGHT UP...AGAIN
-gormless ruddy faced bog brush haired calamity prone rent-a-gaffe royal buffoon pisses on chips again.

FANCY DRESS FAREWELL PARTY THROWN FOR COLLEGE CHUM 'DEEPLY REGRETTED' BY POLISH TOURIST BOARD: AUSCHWITZ CLOSED TO PUBLIC FOR ENTIRE WEEKEND

ecology:

top scientist says: "THE MYTH THAT THE MYTH THAT THE MYTH THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH IS A MYTH"

Renowned Norwegian scientist, Prof. Eggen Chipz has put the cat among the pigeons by throwing his hat into the ring. He has upset the apple cart and moved the goalposts by juggling a hot potato most wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Taking the bull by the horns, he nailed his colours to the mast by calling a spade a spade and refusing to look at a silk purse made from a sow's ear through rose tinted spectacles. He claimed that he would as soon be hung for a sheep as a lamb and refused to teach his grandmother how to suck eggs. "That's the way the cookie crumbles", he said. "You pays your money and you makes your choice."