Cottage Hospital Bulletin's regular legal, ethical and medical advice section, with our expert counsellor, Stern Geoff.
Mrs Janet Crippel, of Leafy Lane, writes:
Dear Stern Geoff,
I live very near to the residence of HRH Princess Anne, and often see her out walking her dogs in our local park when I visit there with my children to feed the ducks. Before proceeding, I should point out that I am very much a loyal 'monarchist', who loves, respects and admires our Royal Family and feels proud and humbled by the selfless dedication and sheer hard work of the entire House Of Windsor on our behalf. It makes my blood boil when I read these 'trendy lefties' writing to the newspapers moaning that this or that member of The Royal Family is "a lazy twat", or is "as thick as a phone book" or has "a face like a bag of spanners" or whatever. I'd like to see some of these so-called 'republicans' put in even a fraction of the honest toil which HM Elizabeth II does!
But I digress. Last week, my six year old daughter and I passed Princess Anne as she was out walking two of her rare pedigree American Bloodluster Terriers (which she has bred very successfully for some years now) when Her Royal Highness stopped to speak to us. She often takes the time to find out about the lives of ordinary people, and she asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. As we stood chatting, one of Her Royal Highness's dogs unfortunately began savaging my daughter, and a man who had been practising golf nearby ran over and began striking the dog with his golf club! I was absolutely horrified! The poor dog suffered some very painful looking lumps to it's head and shoulder blades and was obviously quite traumatised, despite the man having been very speedily set upon by two of the Princesses bodyguards and beaten unconscious .
I cannot begin to tell you how guilty I feel over this terrible incident. The poor dog was obviously hungry, and I can't help but feel that I was almost taunting it by taking a small child to the park. I wrote to Her Royal Highness, apologising profusely and enquiring after her poor dog's welfare. Gracious as always, she wrote straight back, telling me not to blame myself; that accidents will happen, and to send a cheque for £250 to cover the cost of the steel plate which poor little 'Ghengis' had had to have fitted to his skull.
As for the heartless thug with the golf club, I found out that he lived nearby, and I took Her Royal Highness's letter to his house, hoping to shame him into at least apologising for his shameful display, but his neighbour told me he wasn't in, as he was attending a funeral.
To say I am angry with this gentleman is putting it mildly. I believe that he is guilty of treason. Can you suggest some way I can pursue this matter, which would see justice done?
Stern Geoff says:
Mrs Crippel,
I honestly wish I could tell you that letters such as yours rarely appeared on my desk. Sadly, they are all too common. I, as a loyal subject of The Crown, share your anguish at the basic lack of deference to our Royal Family that today's so-called society seems to have.
I recall, a few years back, remonstrating with a scruffy street urchin who I chanced upon as he was in the process of drawing a comedy 'Groucho Marx' style moustache and glasses on a picture of Her Most Royal Majesty Elizabeth II, only to be told that I should "go and fuck myself." Rather than going and fucking myself, however, I chose instead to ask the young man: "How many new buildings have you officially opened this year? How many foreign heads of state have you had dinner with? Are you on the telly this Christmas Day?", before glassing him in the face with half an Irn Bru bottle.
Our own Princess Royal, sweet, lovely Anne, no doubt still deeply disturbed by her recent traumatic experience at the hands of a magistrate who saw fit to fine her for breaking the speed limit simply because she had broken the speed limit, and by the yet more recent incident when again one of her beloved dogs was the innocent victim, it's canine incisors horribly smudged and discoloured after being attacked by a member of the public's cartlidge and muscle tissue, has the tragedy which you detail in your letter visited upon her.
The Stern Geoff of old may well have suggested that you and a few of your friends track down this chap and kick his balls up into his ribcage; the Stern Geoff of today is simply weary of watching the world we knew slip slowly over the horizon.
You should probably find him and give him a good fucking pasting anyway, though.
Thanks to all who wrote.
Readers are reminded that Stern Geoff's sternness is deployed under strictly controlled conditions, and that Stern Geoff is a fully accredited counsellor. Please, do not attempt to be as stern as Stern Geoff at home.
