LOU REED   1942-2013

'Hickabella Bicycle In Rockefeller Panatella' says former Cocteau Twins lyricist

CHB REPORTS:

FORMER TORY LEADER DIES IN LONDON HOTEL

"get me a shovel"

                                                             advertising feature sponsored by Boots The Chemists

YOU'RE IN BOOTS!

Picture the scene: You're running to catch a train. You realise there's just time to pop in to the smart, modern retail outlet on the platform and buy a magazine, a bottle of Lucozade and some chewing gum. Are you in WH Smiths? No.

Or, you're running late to go on a hen night. You could really use a shop with flexible opening hours where you could get a spare pair of tights, some condoms and more hairspray. Amazingly, you find it, right on your own high street. Are you in Tesco Metro? No.

You really fancy taking some methadone and then buying a pair of fashionable spectacles and an mp3 player before getting your auntie 6 lavender bath bombes for her birthday......Are you really off your bastarding nut? No. You're in Boots!

CHB caught up with Jan De Dentalmishap, head of purchasing for Boots PLC.

CHB: Jan, it's probably fair to say that Boot's purchasing policy is eclectic, to say the least. How on earth did you know that a shop selling contraceptives right next to ploughman's sandwiches, pregnancy testing kits, bargain DVDs, cosmetics and support hose could possibly succeed?

Jan: Well, I kind of fell into this job, a little. My previous job had been research and development for Philips, in Eindhoven. We worked in a very organic way at Philips. Our remit, basically, was to wander around the labs all day in the scud (except for our PSV Eindhoven tops, obviously), totally ripped off our trumpets on Super Skunk, trying to invent a CD player that was sharkproof, or a follow up to the 'Stylophone'. In fact, Rolf Harris would often turn up, keen to reprise his successful ads of the '60s for the original Stylophone, asking us if we'd guessed what it was yet (the  proposed follow up to '60s global smash 'The Stylophone') before usually just stripping down to his PSV Eindhoven top, bonging his little mad coupon off, eating 2 fish suppers and just walking out, in a straight line up the road, fucking mortal. Lunatic. What a class cunt. Respect. Great days, great guys.
So, as you can imagine, when I found myself being offered the post of head buyer for Boots, I was pretty much completely fucked up in the brains, and a right mad freak, so the prospect of having to source dependable supplies of tights, photographic supplies, slimming aids, electronic leisure goods, homebrewing equipment, sporting goods, travel irons, chicken tikka and raita sandwiches, barley sugar and methadone. Or the entire top 40 singles (and 20 albums), stereos, videos and computer games as well as femine hygiene products and limitless vats of our famed No7 cosmetic stuff from Hungary and northern Turkey, seasonal summer games like badminton sets and boules or some shit, Xmas gift packs for all the family less than a tenner and Viagra....well, that didn't bother me none. I looked young Mr Boot in the eye and told him "There's scenes, and there's scenes, baby. Lemme tell ya, I am TOTALLY making your scene,,,,"

CHB: What inspires you, day to day, to keep trying to make Boots number one eclectic/OCD/autistic retailer in the UK? Is it b(at this point, a statement by Jan, that he is "often thrilled by seeing young girls in Boots" goes completely haywire, and very swiftly descends to some quite robust and industrial observations on concepts too disturbing to be featured by Boots, in their sponsored feature "You're In Boots!"

EU TO TACKLE 'VAGUENESS' OF MEDIA REPORTING

Brussels is set to legislate to standardise the way news reports quantify "tension in the middle east".  Top brass at the EU's elite Central Commission For Standards are said to be concerned that in certain member countries, in particular the UK, press and media outlets report the seriousness of any particular event in the middle east depending on how much other news they have at the time. "For example," our Brussels insider, Jean-Pierre Greggs Steakbake told us, "if a big story like Jimmy Savile is in full swing, then even news that a nuclear missile had destroyed Tel Aviv would have to contend with 8 pages of quotes from 'insiders' at Leeds General saying how they always thought Savile was a grotty old perv when he was a volunteer porter (but, in balance, they admitted they thought ALL hospital porters were grotty old pervs in the 70s. Which, of course, they were.) And when there's not much news about, say when Prince Philip's in hospital or David Blaine's being dangled over something, then the least consequential, most trivial of occurences in the middle east are suddenly being reported as of massive, historical import. Like when that US private took a load of prescription painkillers and vodka in Iraq and killed half the pupils and half the teachers. No one in Britain would ever have known about that, if it hadn't happened to have been on the same day that the only other news in Britain was that Helen Mirren was playing the Queen again. On the day that Michael Jackson's funeral was broadcast live worldwide, the Israeli army launched a bold and risky 'cross border' land invasion of the West Bank and Gaza in an attempt to reclaim them, finally and completely, as Israel, at around 9.13am. By lunchtime they had driven all and any Palestinian resistance into the sea. By the back of two, however, reinforcements in the form of guerrilas and agents from across the region arrived, and the Palestinians rallied to not only force the Israelis back across the border, but enjoy a complete rout of the Israeli infantry, and even briefly capture and occupy the whole city of Jerusalem from about ten to three until half four-ish. Order was eventually restored at teatime, when the Israeli air force turned up with fighter jets and started napalming the Palestinians until they went back to their hovels in their pretend country. No one knows any of this. They were watching Michael Jackson's funeral."

The EU legislation will insist that 'tension in the middle east' be strictly graded from '1: Muslim chap accidentally offers Jewish chap sausage roll at bowling club function in well-heeled Beirut suburb. Mild offence and slight embarrassment caused.' to '10: Nuclear weapon fired at Jerusalem/Mecca/Bagdad/Tehran, Dome Of The Rock Mosque in Jerusalem stormed by US Marines and converted into titty bar live sports venue and bowl-o-rama, entire population of Syria killed by recent 'tensions' and territory of Syria now occupied by Israel, etc.'

TIMID PROVINCIAL WOMAN'S TERROR ORDEAL

Chester Crown Court heard yesterday of the terrifying, 8 hour ordeal of a local woman at the hands of a ruthless gang of solar panel salespeople, during which she was

• RELENTLESSY offered payment options and installation dates
• CONTINUALLY reminded of the fiscal benefits of solar power
• UNREMITTINGLY called by her first name and spoken to in a friendly and familiar way
• REPEATEDLY shown promotional literature and told of homes nearby already enjoying the benefits of solar power
• EVENTUALLY obliged to politely ask the salespeople to leave

before being raped, strangled, decapitated, filleted, braised and partially eaten by her neighbour of 20 years, and fellow church member, Albert Itwassim, 58. Itwassim later

• BOASTED of having raped his neighbour
• BRAGGED to friends about strangling someone
• HINTED to his family that he may have decapitated a woman recently
• CONFIDED in his local vicar about "the thing on the news about that poor woman who was filleted, braised and partially eaten" before finally admitting that he

was not convinced that solar power could generate enough electricity to heat and light his entire house. "A friend of mine told me that, despite all their lofty claims, and after him having paid nearly 2000 pounds to have solar panels installed, the only way he could cook an entire woman, at 250 degrees C for 3 hours, was to do without the telly, the lights and his foot spa. I think I'll stick with the old National Grid for now!"

The judge adjourned the court. The case continues.