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Saturday 31 May 2008

LATEST

POLICE CONFIRM: GRISLY FIND IS JAR FULL OF HUMAN EYES




*Facsimile copies of Cottage Hospital Bulletin make ideal gifts for neighbours you don't particularly get on with, or workmates who spit in your tea. Why not buy a few copies, and stuff them through their letterbox then set fire to them?

Monday 26 May 2008

INQUEST INTO INQUEST OF DIANA INQUEST OPENS:

Al Fayed praises British public's patience, perseverence, thirst for justice, massive amounts of tax money.
Harrods owner tells press: "Them is motha fukkahs.With my fury I will learn them: They is no fock with me."

Film news

DE NIRO, DAY LEWIS BIOPICS
Following the announcement that Miramax Pictures plan to shoot biopics of legendary method actors Robert De Niro and Daniel Day Lewis, and that the two men themselves are to be cast in the respective leads, sources close to both actors have reported that they are already becoming each other.
Friends of Day Lewis have told of the Irish actor turning Italian-American within 20 minutes of accepting the role of De Niro, and that he was developing facial moles in less than an hour.
De Niro is reported to have arrived at the studios dressed as a leprechaun and carrying a barrel of stout, accompanied by Bono and Graham Norton.
latest news:

STUDENT PRANK BACKFIRES: JAR OF HUMAN EYES EMPTIED OVER TODDLER

RELENTLESS BERATING BY JEREMY KYLE FORCES JOBLESS TEEN TO PROMISE TO QUIT DRUGS, FIND JOB, STAND BY PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND.
Kyle addressed youth as 'sunshine' to convey disapproval

POLISH TOURIST BOARD ADMITS IT HAS 'NO IDEA' OF HOW TO HALT DOWNTURN IN AUSCHWITZ VISITOR NUMBERS



Monday 12 May 2008

NATO withdrawal

COTTAGE HOSPITAL BULLETIN "DEMOCRATIC AT LAST"
50, 000 allied troops home in time for spiteful recriminations

The ministry of defence announced last night that all British forces, along with the remaining American, Canadian and Belgian troops overseeing the regime change in Cottage Hospital Bulletin are to be withdrawn immediately, ending the occupation of Cottage Hospital Bulletin which has been in force since 2002.
Free elections of a democratic government have been fixed for early August, with the widely supported 'New Dawn' party most likely to form a new government and unite the previously splintered factions within the political turmoil of Cottage Hospital Bulletin. NATO has pledged it's commitment to the withdrawal of occupying forces, but has insisted that the US Air Force shall continue to bomb Cottage Hospital Bulletin for a few hours each morning up to the deadline imposed by the UN on Monday, September 29, at which time it will begin bombing the UN for a little while.