TIMID PROVINCIAL WOMAN'S TERROR ORDEAL

Chester Crown Court heard yesterday of the terrifying, 8 hour ordeal of a local woman at the hands of a ruthless gang of solar panel salespeople, during which she was

• RELENTLESSY offered payment options and installation dates
• CONTINUALLY reminded of the fiscal benefits of solar power
• UNREMITTINGLY called by her first name and spoken to in a friendly and familiar way
• REPEATEDLY shown promotional literature and told of homes nearby already enjoying the benefits of solar power
• EVENTUALLY obliged to politely ask the salespeople to leave

before being raped, strangled, decapitated, filleted, braised and partially eaten by her neighbour of 20 years, and fellow church member, Albert Itwassim, 58. Itwassim later

• BOASTED of having raped his neighbour
• BRAGGED to friends about strangling someone
• HINTED to his family that he may have decapitated a woman recently
• CONFIDED in his local vicar about "the thing on the news about that poor woman who was filleted, braised and partially eaten" before finally admitting that he

was not convinced that solar power could generate enough electricity to heat and light his entire house. "A friend of mine told me that, despite all their lofty claims, and after him having paid nearly 2000 pounds to have solar panels installed, the only way he could cook an entire woman, at 250 degrees C for 3 hours, was to do without the telly, the lights and his foot spa. I think I'll stick with the old National Grid for now!"

The judge adjourned the court. The case continues.