(gervais & merchant interview, cont. from front page)

...find that stuff that's just not usually remotely funny, is hilarious when you do them really slow and play them dead straight.
When we did 'The Office' we had a strict rule on set: No jokes, laughing, anything. Not even smiling was OK. It was tough, sure, it was a slog. But it speaks for itself. You can sit through that whole series and not so much as smile once. We take pride in the silence. People are just awestruck, and it's understandable."
I ask if the series of painful operations he's having on his increasingly curving spine are working and he shakes his head slowly and glances down for a moment.
"It doesn't look good..." he says. "My doctor thinks I should disappear up my (cont. on page 125)

CLARKSON THREATENS TO QUIT BEEB IN 'MANLINESS' ROW

Jeremy Clarkson has threatened to quit top rated motoring show 'Top Gear' if BBC bosses don't make it more 'manly'.
The jeans wearing, pint liking presenter and journalist, 54, told CHB:

"I'm a man's man. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe TV programmes about cars are a man's thing. I was all for the change of format for 'Top Gear', when we started doing it in a big garage and stopped doing reviews of poofy little cars only poor people could afford. I was all for having birds in the audience, provided they had big tits and tight tops and stood near the front so I could single them out for some of my light hearted blokey laddishness. I even came up with the idea that the Stig should always wear his helmet and play uncool CDs when he's doing the test drives. And that one of the other presenters should be a short arsed pretty boy who can't take his ale.
Recently, poofyness has definitely been creeping back in, though. I mean, when I started doing all my features where I smashed up caravans and attacked cheap cars with sledgehammers, the audience lapped it up and ratings went through the roof. When I suggested to the bosses we up the ante with things like seeing if we could buy a used Ferrari for less than £25000 and drive it in a straight line through 25000 infected cows during the foot and mouth outbreak, or attempting to drive a Bugatti Veyron non stop from the north pole to Casino Square in Monte Carlo with a picture of Kylie Minogue's arse stuck to the dashboard and Richard Hammond in the boot pissing into a Lucozade bottle they just looked at me like I'd ran into their living room on Christmas Day and vomitted...........all over their poodle.
I've told them if they want to turn the show into some kind of educational and informative Open University style carnival of poofiness, they can count me out. I just can't see myself doing the kind of...(cont. on page 64)

ON 'NATIONAL BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY', JEREMY KYLE'S CHAMELEON TURNS BURBERRY

further selections from CHB's back catalogue. Click to enlarge.

CCTV FOOTAGE OF CREATION OF UNIVERSE 'FAKE'

CUSTOMS & EXCISE REPORT RECORD SEIZURES OF JARS OF HUMAN EYES

EVERLASTING SANDALS NOT AS COMFY AS ADVERT CLAIMED, SAY ANGRY OAPs

NIKE, ADIDAS WORKERS SET TO STRIKE FOR LONGER PLAYTIME

city news:
LONDON HOUSE PRICES HIT ALL TIME HIGH

Property prices in the capital are continuing to rocket, as it was revealed that an estate agent is this week offering for sale a tennis shoe, which is hanging by it's lace from a tree in West Kensington, for an astonishing £750,000.
When CHB contacted the estate agency, Jarful, Human & Eyes, of Chelsea, a spokesman confirmed not only that the property was on the market, but also that several parties had expressed an interest in it. When we asked if a tennis shoe was practical for use as a domicile, the spokesman told us: "Obviously, this is not the largest property you will find, but if you ask any potential housebuyer I'm sure they'd tell you that they would be prepared to sacrifice a great deal of floorspace to purchase an address in Kensington." We asked if it was even possible for a person to fit inside the shoe and he said: "Not as such, no. The current owner, however has invested in a new, very stout lace. A new owner could quite easily wear the shoe, and hang from the tree quite happily for many years to come. Don't forget also that planning permission has already been granted to hang a second tennis shoe from the tree, so there is tremendous potential for developing the property into what would be an extremely attractive home in the future."
CHB asked if we might be allowed to view the property, and when we were shown around later by the agency's Phanella De Twatte, she was keen to point out what a prestigious area the tennis shoe hangs in. "Your neighbours would include many well known and influential people" she said, "and the elevation of the property is such that you are afforded excellent, unrestricted views of where the late pop singer Freddie Mercury used to put his bins out."

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