cottage hospital bulletin

2011-02-13T18:04:00.000-08:00

LIES of the 1950's Bumper Books Of Facts For Boys: Shattered dreams of older victims.
*NO flying cars
*NO entire meals in pill form and
*NO colonies on mars and the moon with pubs, ten pin bowling the lot.

not so much as a sassy teen with a trusty dog solving a mystery.

The lying bastards.

2011-02-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

RECESSION FORCES LOCAL OCD RESEARCH CENTRE TO CLOSE AND RE-OPEN EXACTLY 176 TIMES

2010-10-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

celebrity: (foto:Fannie Hall)
SuBo: Totally Off Nut In Tinseltown.
late night drama at BGT diva's rented hollywood home.

Singing superstar Susan Boyle has again sensationally made headlines in the USA, just days after she and Britney Spears were seen in newspapers nationwide in shock photos which showed the superstar pop-pair (estimated combined wealth a hundred MILLION thousand each) brazenly trying on loads of hats and daft wee tops but not really wanting to buy nuthin in 'Guernsey Lady', the Channel Island's most exclusive shop, whilst both obviously highly intoxicated.
At approximately 3.15am Tuesday, Beverly Hills Cops were alerted to an apparent street brawl outside 1350000465 South Bends Aspect, a handsome mock smart end mansion owned by Iggy Pop, but rented since January to SuBo by Iggy, who actually offered it to the worldwide superstar Keeping Up Appearances-A-Like Scots diva, 66, after he heard slightly slow on the uptake global music sensation Subo, 66, sing The Rolling Stones' wild horses and claimed it "totally altered his stereo" and that he "got a god damn duty to give that big old scottish lady mah house. It's only decen'.."
By early Spring, Subo was ensconced in 1350000465 South Bends A., holding court with Lady GaGa, several Destinys Childs, a Japanese Jim Morrison impersonator called Blake Enthlew and Flavor Flav, notorious art-terrorist out of the eighties. And Chris Evans and Danny Baker. Filming a documentary about Gervais & Merchant's documentary-come-drama about the whole 'scene'.
At around midnight monday, with SuBo too full of drugs and brandy to party all nite and resting in her loft space with two People's Friends and the stick, Lady GaGa decided to set fire to Brad Pitt's Sleeve, Susan's beloved Belgian Scmumsaer dog, who ran yelping up the close and causing Miley Cyrus and Kate Garraway to become arrested for marijuana possession and lewd n lib.
When the crowd assembled by Liam Neeson to 'kick fuck out of Ricky Gervais' grew to nearly 800, and spilled into the streets, police were called.
Ms Boyle, 68, was arrested for public order violations after she threw her beanie baby out the window and it nearly went in a dog shite.

The Journalism Of Noonan McKane: 'At The Tomb Of Eva Peron' (cont. from page 84)

2010-07-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

...because, astonishingly, Evita's corpse has been disinterred TWICE since her death in 1952, the last instance being in 1971.
Today, her mausoleum incorporates elaborate secret chambers, sliding panels and complex locks, and although the crypt may be visited by the public, Eva's sarcophagus may not be viewed. Visitors are reassured by security guards at the gates of the complex that the mortal remains of 'Santa Eva' do indeed rest nearby, and that their pilgrimage is at an end.
Here in Argentina it is popularly believed that Evita's body was initially exhumed by fanatical devotees (and Ms Duarte-Peron had many of these..) who truly believed her to be divine, and therefore not dead, but risen. I find it difficult to fathom such faith; such devotion.

I jokingly remark to some local people nearby that Madonna was far better looking than the real Evita (in Alan Parker's 1996 film) and they give me what can only be described as a fairly robust beating using bottles and short pieces of wood, as well as their fists and boots. I struggle free and return to my hotel room.
An hour later, there's a knock at my door. I'm amazed when I open it to see the people who had beaten me earlier. They all look rested, and very focused and motivated, and they have heavier bottles and stouter pieces of wood. They blacken my eyes like two huge, ripe plums and crack three of my ribs in another textbook beating.

As I recline on my balcony later, examining my bruised and swollen face in my shaving mirror, wondering if I should cancel my appointment to dine with two of the charming ladies from the "Foundacion Eva Peron" (who had helped me greatly with my research) my luck, hitherto not great, worsens yet further when a huge hornet flies up my shorts and lands an agonising sting on my right testicle.
The pain which follows almost knocks me unconscious. I sweat and shake and begin to hallucinate. I see the room a different shape. I see odd colours. I see that my testicle, now a vivid and angry red, has swollen to the size of a cricket ball. This effectively rules out all of my casual slacks for tonight. Dark glasses will conceal my blackened eyes, but my knacker now has a radius of 5 and a half inches. Mercifully, though, the pain has begun to subside.
I remember I've packed my bowler hat. I find that it fits very snugly over my enlarged pod. If I wear the bowler on my way to dinner, no one should notice, as it will be dark. I can remove my hat, but keep it with me, on my lap, and thusly conceal the elephantiasis of my afflicted gooly.
I decide on my stretch crimplene 'AdventurerPants', and a silk shirt in subtle eggplant. As I'm preparing to leave, I see the people who keep beating me up, outside the hotel, looking around for pieces of wood, but I manage to slip past them and into a taxi. I arrive at the restuarant, 'El Highhorse', with a minute or two to spare.

My dining companions, Consuela-Marie and Anna-Espias, thankfully are too polite to enquire as to why I have a bowler hat on my lap. I presume they take it to be a 'British eccentricity'. I notice that Consuela-Marie has particularly large breasts. I hope I can avoid becoming distracted by them, because if I should inadvertently take a semi I could be in all sorts of trouble. Thankfully, both of the ladies are such fascinating company that I'm utterly absorbed in the wealth of knowledge and the abundant detail they have to offer about Evita and her enduring legacy, here in Argentina and around the world.
As Consuela-Marie reaches into her handbag for her Marlboro Lights I sneak a look at her knockers. They're the big, round kind, which spill out of the top of her dress that you just want to pat the top of. As she lights a cigarette, I realise to my horror that the humidity of the evening air has caused my knacker to swell even further. Unbeknownst to me, numbed as I am by nearly two bottles of Cabarnet, my bowler hat has become rigidly affixed to my front right upper trouseral area.
Going on to a little nightclub is now definitely out; I won't be able to dance and I probably won't even fit into the booths.
I bid the ladies 'buenos noches' and leave as chivalrously as I can.....

(gervais & merchant interview, cont. from front page)

2010-06-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

...find that stuff that's just not usually remotely funny, is hilarious when you do them really slow and play them dead straight.
When we did 'The Office' we had a strict rule on set: No jokes, laughing, anything. Not even smiling was OK. It was tough, sure, it was a slog. But it speaks for itself. You can sit through that whole series and not so much as smile once. We take pride in the silence. People are just awestruck, and it's understandable."
I ask if the series of painful operations he's having on his increasingly curving spine are working and he shakes his head slowly and glances down for a moment.
"It doesn't look good..." he says. "My doctor thinks I should disappear up my (cont. on page 125)

2008-11-26T17:07:00.000-08:00

CLARKSON THREATENS TO QUIT BEEB IN 'MANLINESS' ROW

Jeremy Clarkson has threatened to quit top rated motoring show 'Top Gear' if BBC bosses don't make it more 'manly'.
The jeans wearing, pint liking presenter and journalist, 54, told CHB:

"I'm a man's man. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe TV programmes about cars are a man's thing. I was all for the change of format for 'Top Gear', when we started doing it in a big garage and stopped doing reviews of poofy little cars only poor people could afford. I was all for having birds in the audience, provided they had big tits and tight tops and stood near the front so I could single them out for some of my light hearted blokey laddishness. I even came up with the idea that the Stig should always wear his helmet and play uncool CDs when he's doing the test drives. And that one of the other presenters should be a short arsed pretty boy who can't take his ale.
Recently, poofyness has definitely been creeping back in, though. I mean, when I started doing all my features where I smashed up caravans and attacked cheap cars with sledgehammers, the audience lapped it up and ratings went through the roof. When I suggested to the bosses we up the ante with things like seeing if we could buy a used Ferrari for less than £25000 and drive it in a straight line through 25000 infected cows during the foot and mouth outbreak, or attempting to drive a Bugatti Veyron non stop from the north pole to Casino Square in Monte Carlo with a picture of Kylie Minogue's arse stuck to the dashboard and Richard Hammond in the boot pissing into a Lucozade bottle they just looked at me like I'd ran into their living room on Christmas Day and vomitted...........all over their poodle.
I've told them if they want to turn the show into some kind of educational and informative Open University style carnival of poofiness, they can count me out. I just can't see myself doing the kind of...(cont. on page 64)

2008-08-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

ON 'NATIONAL BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY', JEREMY KYLE'S CHAMELEON TURNS BURBERRY

2008-08-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

further selections from CHB's back catalogue. Click to enlarge.

2008-08-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

CCTV FOOTAGE OF CREATION OF UNIVERSE 'FAKE'

CUSTOMS & EXCISE REPORT RECORD SEIZURES OF JARS OF HUMAN EYES

EVERLASTING SANDALS NOT AS COMFY AS ADVERT CLAIMED, SAY ANGRY OAPs

NIKE, ADIDAS WORKERS SET TO STRIKE FOR LONGER PLAYTIME

city news:
LONDON HOUSE PRICES HIT ALL TIME HIGH

Property prices in the capital are continuing to rocket, as it was revealed that an estate agent is this week offering for sale a tennis shoe, which is hanging by it's lace from a tree in West Kensington, for an astonishing £750,000.
When CHB contacted the estate agency, Jarful, Human & Eyes, of Chelsea, a spokesman confirmed not only that the property was on the market, but also that several parties had expressed an interest in it. When we asked if a tennis shoe was practical for use as a domicile, the spokesman told us: "Obviously, this is not the largest property you will find, but if you ask any potential housebuyer I'm sure they'd tell you that they would be prepared to sacrifice a great deal of floorspace to purchase an address in Kensington." We asked if it was even possible for a person to fit inside the shoe and he said: "Not as such, no. The current owner, however has invested in a new, very stout lace. A new owner could quite easily wear the shoe, and hang from the tree quite happily for many years to come. Don't forget also that planning permission has already been granted to hang a second tennis shoe from the tree, so there is tremendous potential for developing the property into what would be an extremely attractive home in the future."
CHB asked if we might be allowed to view the property, and when we were shown around later by the agency's Phanella De Twatte, she was keen to point out what a prestigious area the tennis shoe hangs in. "Your neighbours would include many well known and influential people" she said, "and the elevation of the property is such that you are afforded excellent, unrestricted views of where the late pop singer Freddie Mercury used to put his bins out."

2008-07-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

2008-06-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

reader offer:

2008-05-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

LATEST

2008-05-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

POLICE CONFIRM: GRISLY FIND IS JAR FULL OF HUMAN EYES

2008-05-31T15:09:00.000-07:00

2008-05-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

enjoy these selections from CHB's back pages. click on the pages to enlarge. (the pages will enlarge, not you.)

COTTAGE HOSPITAL BULLETIN GOLD

2008-05-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

INQUEST INTO INQUEST OF DIANA INQUEST OPENS:

Al Fayed praises British public's patience, perseverence, thirst for justice, massive amounts of tax money.
Harrods owner tells press: "Them is motha fukkahs.With my fury I will learn them: They is no fock with me."

Film news

2008-05-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

DE NIRO, DAY LEWIS BIOPICS
Following the announcement that Miramax Pictures plan to shoot biopics of legendary method actors Robert De Niro and Daniel Day Lewis, and that the two men themselves are to be cast in the respective leads, sources close to both actors have reported that they are already becoming each other.
Friends of Day Lewis have told of the Irish actor turning Italian-American within 20 minutes of accepting the role of De Niro, and that he was developing facial moles in less than an hour.
De Niro is reported to have arrived at the studios dressed as a leprechaun and carrying a barrel of stout, accompanied by Bono and Graham Norton.

2008-05-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

NATO withdrawal

2008-05-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

COTTAGE HOSPITAL BULLETIN "DEMOCRATIC AT LAST"

50, 000 allied troops home in time for spiteful recriminations

The ministry of defence announced last night that all British forces, along with the remaining American, Canadian and Belgian troops overseeing the regime change in Cottage Hospital Bulletin are to be withdrawn immediately, ending the occupation of Cottage Hospital Bulletin which has been in force since 2002.
Free elections of a democratic government have been fixed for early August, with the widely supported 'New Dawn' party most likely to form a new government and unite the previously splintered factions within the political turmoil of Cottage Hospital Bulletin. NATO has pledged it's commitment to the withdrawal of occupying forces, but has insisted that the US Air Force shall continue to bomb Cottage Hospital Bulletin for a few hours each morning up to the deadline imposed by the UN on Monday, September 29, at which time it will begin bombing the UN for a little while.

2008-03-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

HARRY ARSES IT RIGHT UP...AGAIN
-gormless ruddy faced bog brush haired calamity prone rent-a-gaffe royal buffoon pisses on chips again.

FANCY DRESS FAREWELL PARTY THROWN FOR COLLEGE CHUM 'DEEPLY REGRETTED' BY POLISH TOURIST BOARD: AUSCHWITZ CLOSED TO PUBLIC FOR ENTIRE WEEKEND

ecology:

2008-01-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

top scientist says: "THE MYTH THAT THE MYTH THAT THE MYTH THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH IS A MYTH"

Renowned Norwegian scientist, Prof. Eggen Chipz has put the cat among the pigeons by throwing his hat into the ring. He has upset the apple cart and moved the goalposts by juggling a hot potato most wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Taking the bull by the horns, he nailed his colours to the mast by calling a spade a spade and refusing to look at a silk purse made from a sow's ear through rose tinted spectacles. He claimed that he would as soon be hung for a sheep as a lamb and refused to teach his grandmother how to suck eggs. "That's the way the cookie crumbles", he said. "You pays your money and you makes your choice."

CHB newsworldwide

2007-12-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

BUSH FINALLY APPROVES ADDITION OF REAGAN SCULPTURE TO MOUNT RUSHMORE, VETOES CONGRESS BID TO TRIM 'POUND OR TWO' FROM NOTICEABLY CHUNKY GEORGE WASHINGTON-
IRAN, LIBYA, MOROCCO TO BE SET FIRE TO MONDAY

Care and cleaning of your cottage hospital bulletin:

2007-12-16T15:37:00.000-08:00

Avoid the use of harsh, abrasive cleaners. Use only polite, well mannered cleaners who turn up on time, have neatly pressed overalls and who lift the ornaments and dust underneath them.
If your cottage hospital bulletin becomes encrusted with accumulated grime and matted horse-hair, or dangerously saturated by excessively acidic livestock urine, discontinue use of it immediately, and consult your nearest RadicalExploderCo franchise, who will assist you in rendering your cottage hospital bulletin neutral. Should your cottage hospital bulletin become volatile outside office hours, or if small children or elderly or infirm persons are placed in immediate danger by it's sudden or unexpected emmission of hazardous frightfulness, phone FieldMedic on 98700345729447 for 24 hour incident management.
In all instances your cottage hospital bulletin should be removed from populated areas, doused with copious amounts of fresh water and if possible covered by a tarpaulin. Never allow children to return to a cottage hospital bulletin presumed to be dormant.

INVISIBLE PHYSIOTHERAPIST SET TO SUE NHS TRUST: CLAIMING 'DISCRIMINATION' BY BOSSES FAVOURING FLAMBOYANT, SAMMY DAVIS Jr IMPERSONATING COLLEAGUE

2007-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

Archie D'arcy told CHB: "The fact that I'm invisible doesn't make me any less of a physio than my so-called colleague, who has been promoted, despite my seniority, simply because he turns up for work looking like Sammy Davis Jr. My turning up dressed as Freddie Mercury goes completely unmentioned, simply because I am invisible. Even our trainee, who does nothing but stand in the corner rehearsing with the other members of his Depeche Mode tribute band all day gets treated with more respect than me."

2007-09-23T17:49:00.001-07:00

fieldMEDIC

Cottage Hospital Bulletin's regular legal, ethical and medical advice section, with our expert counsellor, Stern Geoff.

Mrs Janet Crippel, of Leafy Lane, writes:

Dear Stern Geoff,
I live very near to the residence of HRH Princess Anne, and often see her out walking her dogs in our local park when I visit there with my children to feed the ducks. Before proceeding, I should point out that I am very much a loyal 'monarchist', who loves, respects and admires our Royal Family and feels proud and humbled by the selfless dedication and sheer hard work of the entire House Of Windsor on our behalf. It makes my blood boil when I read these 'trendy lefties' writing to the newspapers moaning that this or that member of The Royal Family is "a lazy twat", or is "as thick as a phone book" or has "a face like a bag of spanners" or whatever. I'd like to see some of these so-called 'republicans' put in even a fraction of the honest toil which HM Elizabeth II does!
But I digress. Last week, my six year old daughter and I passed Princess Anne as she was out walking two of her rare pedigree American Bloodluster Terriers (which she has bred very successfully for some years now) when Her Royal Highness stopped to speak to us. She often takes the time to find out about the lives of ordinary people, and she asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. As we stood chatting, one of Her Royal Highness's dogs unfortunately began savaging my daughter, and a man who had been practising golf nearby ran over and began striking the dog with his golf club! I was absolutely horrified! The poor dog suffered some very painful looking lumps to it's head and shoulder blades and was obviously quite traumatised, despite the man having been very speedily set upon by two of the Princesses bodyguards and beaten unconscious .
I cannot begin to tell you how guilty I feel over this terrible incident. The poor dog was obviously hungry, and I can't help but feel that I was almost taunting it by taking a small child to the park. I wrote to Her Royal Highness, apologising profusely and enquiring after her poor dog's welfare. Gracious as always, she wrote straight back, telling me not to blame myself; that accidents will happen, and to send a cheque for £250 to cover the cost of the steel plate which poor little 'Ghengis' had had to have fitted to his skull.
As for the heartless thug with the golf club, I found out that he lived nearby, and I took Her Royal Highness's letter to his house, hoping to shame him into at least apologising for his shameful display, but his neighbour told me he wasn't in, as he was attending a funeral.
To say I am angry with this gentleman is putting it mildly. I believe that he is guilty of treason. Can you suggest some way I can pursue this matter, which would see justice done?

Stern Geoff says:

Mrs Crippel,
I honestly wish I could tell you that letters such as yours rarely appeared on my desk. Sadly, they are all too common. I, as a loyal subject of The Crown, share your anguish at the basic lack of deference to our Royal Family that today's so-called society seems to have.
I recall, a few years back, remonstrating with a scruffy street urchin who I chanced upon as he was in the process of drawing a comedy 'Groucho Marx' style moustache and glasses on a picture of Her Most Royal Majesty Elizabeth II, only to be told that I should "go and fuck myself." Rather than going and fucking myself, however, I chose instead to ask the young man: "How many new buildings have you officially opened this year? How many foreign heads of state have you had dinner with? Are you on the telly this Christmas Day?", before glassing him in the face with half an Irn Bru bottle.
Our own Princess Royal, sweet, lovely Anne, no doubt still deeply disturbed by her recent traumatic experience at the hands of a magistrate who saw fit to fine her for breaking the speed limit simply because she had broken the speed limit, and by the yet more recent incident when again one of her beloved dogs was the innocent victim, it's canine incisors horribly smudged and discoloured after being attacked by a member of the public's cartlidge and muscle tissue, has the tragedy which you detail in your letter visited upon her.
The Stern Geoff of old may well have suggested that you and a few of your friends track down this chap and kick his balls up into his ribcage; the Stern Geoff of today is simply weary of watching the world we knew slip slowly over the horizon.
You should probably find him and give him a good fucking pasting anyway, though.

Thanks to all who wrote.

Readers are reminded that Stern Geoff's sternness is deployed under strictly controlled conditions, and that Stern Geoff is a fully accredited counsellor. Please, do not attempt to be as stern as Stern Geoff at home.

2007-09-23T17:44:00.001-07:00

Billy Connolly & Vanessa Feltz to co host BBC's "Children In Need"

JFK: TROUSER MYSTERY, PANTS SHAT?

2007-09-23T16:58:00.001-07:00

This photograph, taken in Dallas on the day of JFK's assassination, shows 3 CIA 'black operatives' posing as vagrants. Conspiracy theorists have always maintained that the expression on the face of the 3rd man (with the hat) indicates that he has just remembered that he has forgotten to bring his rifle. But look at the woman in the background, holding her hand to her face: Is it possible that the man has just shat his trousers? Is this the man who appears on the grassy knoll drinking white cider and doing a pish in the Zapruder footage?